Remember the Darkness

I know it's been a while, again.  I find myself thinking about time in all its increments quite a bit lately.  I lost focus and start things that go unfinished to start other things in my spare time.  Spare time being any time that I am not working or traveling to earn my paycheck.

Previously, I discussed celebrating the small things whenever the opportunity should arise.  It's that time of year again, when the weather shifts in mysterious ways and we can never know what to expect.  This brings out a lot of peoples' seasonal depression and finding a reason, however mundane, can help tremendously.  Another thing that can shift a mood in an instant is music.  To me, life is not worth doing without music.

Music has been a constant in my life since I was very little, just as visual arts has been.  I enjoy several genres of music and in the spring I love listening to hard rock and metal with a little Sublime thrown into the mix.  I started with Slipknot early this month and now I have the new Papa Roach album, Crooked Teeth, on repeat in my car.  We've been watching a lot of Breaking Bad, and I can't help but think about Jesse Pinkman when listening to this new album.  It's very emotional and urges me to think about all of the loss and turmoil I've endured throughout life.  Cathartic?  Maybe a little bit, but it's more than that when being confronted by old heart-wrenching memories.  I need to feel them, and some music helps me to face it in a way that I appreciate.  Crash/Love by AFI was paramount to my grieving process when it was released in 2009.  We all have memories that more unpleasant than others.  Mine are different from yours, but we basically share the fundamental emotions these trials induce.

I am a very passionate person, and my emotions rule me.  I'm a scorpio on the cusp with libra.  I've been told on more than one occasion that I am too intense.  However much I feel something, I stay aware that others feel too.  We all feel misery and joy.  Some of us are better at explaining these feelings, or simply sharing them with others than some of our counterparts.  For whatever reason you feel pain and misery or loss, you feel it.  It's okay.  Everyone talks about the grieving process.  But quite simply, we have to process through all of our emotions whether they are good or bad.

There is, in all of us, a darkness.  Sometimes, it gets the better of us.  Other times, we rise against and become better in spite of it.  It's okay to have darkness.  Don't let it consume you or the good in you.  And on occasion, remember it.  For it makes us who we are.

"And now I'm running from the scene

'Cause I was caught up in the crime

It's a loaded memory

Yeah, it kills me every time

And I'm trying not to scream

But it's eating me alive

I'm still haunted by the best years of

The best years of my life"

~Jacoby Shaddix

Spring Madness

Not too long ago, my Baby Boy was sitting at deaths' door.  He lost a quarter of his weight, wasn't eating, wasn't moving, always sleeping and keeping to himself.  It's a horrible story about coming to mistrust in doctors that I don't really want to get into right now.  But it all started a downward spiral.  I am happy to announce that Astraeus is doing much, much better!  He's back to his chipper self, with the exception of some feather loss.  He's singing and carrying on, he's excited to see people again, and he has gained back all the lost weight!

After this ordeal, it was great that the weather was warm and the sun was high in the sky!  John & I took a good friend and his lady out to Nockamixon State Park for a round of disk golf.  It turned into nature adventure!  We saw frogs, toads, butterflies, snakes, and turtles throughout our hike of the back nine.

Then the weather turned cold and rainy again.  I'm not going to complain, this is standard for Spring in my neck of the woods.  Even though it's expected, it can get you down to a place where you don't want to leave the comfort of your blanket on the couch in front of the tele.  It was a tough week of struggling to find the motivation to move!  Life happens sometimes in a way we don't like.  This past couple weeks felt like everything was working against me.  However, I did make some progress towards goals and I need to celebrate them, no matter how small.  

THAT is how we survive, by celebrating any reason we can think of.  I took some online webinars about running a photo business.  I finally ordered business cards!  We watched Deadpool for the second and third time ;)  I cuddled with my boys, Astraeus and Smokey.  I sold my last in-stock large canvas print!  I made a To-Do List so I can track my progress, and feel more accomplished in working towards my goals.  

I have an amazing support system, especially my John.  Everyone needs to have one person who will be there to tell you that things will get better.  If you don't, you just haven't realized it.  Think about who you know and how they make you feel.  I bet that one person will stick out for happiness, or for great advice.  I also have a great mom.  I know I can call her any time, day or night for whatever emergency I have.  She makes time to be there for me when I need her.  I am lucky and grateful.  

If you still don't know who you can turn to when you need encouragement, please feel free to turn to me.  Or at least to a Facebook Group I admin: Saving Someone, One Talk at a Time.  This crazy weather gets us all from time to time.  If you need a support person, we are around.  You need only ask.